ME! Yes, I said it. Here's the latest. After a doctor's appointment on Monday, Dr. Parker decided it was time to get Baby Garvin out and into the big world. So ever since then, I began nesting (like NORMAL pregnant women do about week 8, but here I am week 38 and I just begin). As the day wore on, I started to realize I am going to be a mother by the end of the week. UGH!
I can't believe I am ACTUALLY going to blog this for the entire world to see, but I need an outlet and this is the best one I have (next to crying to all my friends, which I have now already successfully accomplished). I am not only scared to DEATH of this baby... but I am now having second thoughts. Terrible right?
It's not the actual thought of having a baby that depends on me and needs me and all that... It's the PROCESS of HAVING the baby that scares me to tears. This is going to hurt SO bad. BUT with that said, people keep telling me, "It DOES hurt, yes. BUT trust me, it's all worth it AND you will want to do it all over again in a few years." We will see about that. I think it might all be just a clever ploy to convince women to reproduce.
The second confession I have to make is that I have cried myself to sleep every night since Monday. Seriously. For the past five years, Stephen and I have laughed together, cried together, shared so much joy and so much heartache, traveled together, been on dates, curled up on the couch and just enjoyed each other's company, and been able to do whatever it is that we wanted to do at the drop of a hat. Our entire relationship is being forced into this world where there aren't just two of us anymore. Our friends will never think of us again and say "Let's invite Jess & Stephen"... There will always be three of us now to invite. The thought of giving up the "US" is killing me. I sit here in tears thinking of how selfish that sounds, and about all the women who sit in tears every single day because they CAN'T seem to be blessed with a baby, and realize that I, Jessica Garvin, should be named Worst Mother of the Year.
With that said, please keep me in your prayers as God reveals His plan for me. I am excited about being a mom, but so nervous about how Stephen & I are going to change. I know it will be hard work to not "grow apart" as so many couples do and I just pray that we can figure this out together, the way God intended it to be. This song from church camp growing up is the prayer that has been getting me through the past week.
Open my heart to what you know
So I can stretch, so I can grow
My feelings toss me to and fro
Open my heart to what you know
Open my eyes to what you see
To understand what I should be
My feelings get the best of me
Open my eyes to what you see
Open my ears to what you hear
So I can keep you very near
My feelings make it so unclear
Open my ears to what you hear
Oh Jess, I am sorry you are feeling all of this! What you are feeling is completely normal, I think every woman goes through it (even the ones that had problems getting pregnant) The week before we had Lane, I was scrambling to get things done, that is just part of nesting.'
ReplyDeleteNow onto Labor, I was scared to death also!! I remember laying in the hospital bed thing OMG this is going to hurt. Then I said a little prayer and felt a peace come over me. Just keeping leaning on the Lord and he will guide you and give you peace.
Also, you and Stephen's relationship is going to change but it will be for the better. I promise, once you see him holding Baby G, you are going to love him more than you ever have. It's amazing, I still tear up when I see Lane and JJ together. Yes, you are no longer just "Stephen and Jess" and I not going to lie, you will see some friends pull away but you will make new friends, ones that you can relate with. You can will still be able to do things as the two of you, I promise. We do it all the time.
Everything you are feeling right now is all normal, I promise! If you need to talk call me...Love you!
p.s. you can't steal the worst mother of the year award from me (not until you turn and hit Baby G's head on the door frame. I mean when he/she is about a month old) Oh yes, I did that!!
honey i shoulod be the worst mom
ReplyDeletei yell at my son for screaming
i dont want to hold him at times
i want to make him cry it out
he has a pink swing for crying out loud! i am a horrible mom!
do not fear about the pain. i can honestly tell you my drugs wore off and i think hemorrhoid surgery was worse. labor, yea the contractions hurt but its like annoying gas pains. and then when he came out i just felt like there was pressure. like having an intense bowel movemnt after being constipated. seriously that is the best way to describe it.
Baby G is gonna love you no matter what. the first couple of weeks will be amazing.
do not worry about the growing apart, just involve stephen in everything. burping the baby, changing diapers, bath time. it becomes fun and amazing. have the three of you do a bath time nightly routine after the umbilical cord comes off and just enjoy bathing baby.
you got this!
i willbe praying